Honesty

"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren’t there anymore. That I lost that one thing that mattered to me." - Elisabeth Van den Abeele

As a Law student, something I am constantly being trained to do is to question things and then find a solution or an answer to my own questions. Why did he hit her? What was his motive? Does he have a defence? Can she claim compensation? Yes, No, The law says this, if you follow this case...

...when it comes to questioning God I can't find the answers myself. Sometimes I don't listen, sometimes I don't even want an answer. I'm just angry. Angry at life and angry that I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I'm angry at God. I have a lot of 'why' questions that I feel like He deliberately put there, that He didn't do anything to stop me from having to ask 'why?'

"Why did they have to die in pain when You could have just healed them?"

Why did they stop loving me?"

"Why wasn't I good enough?"

"Why did you let them leave?"

Usually, when I know I need to talk to God, I avoid it until I can't anymore. It's too hard to face everything. And then, about 5 days ago, I was lying in bed and it all came out. I was brutally honest with God. I was foaming. I was hurting. And I was telling God exactly how I felt.

Three days ago, I was talking to my cousin and telling her everything, and she made one point that 

surprised me.

Feeling that way is not the same as knowing the truth.

Emotions are very powerful.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go on facebook, and the first thing I saw was a status from someone that used to be a massive part of my life, questioning why they aren't special to someone, or in other words, cared about. This particular person is no longer a part of my life and that was their choice as opposed to mine, and instead of wanting them to be ok, my first thought was that I couldn't have been good enough for them, because if I had been then they wouldn't feel the way that they do now.

I didn't feel good enough.

When my Great-Aunt died of Cancer, almost 6 years ago, I felt a lot of things. Anger at God for not healing her, Sadness because she was gone, grief, pain... and at the time they overrode the truth that she was somewhere better where she didn't have to suffer. By taking her to heaven, God did heal her because he ended her suffering.

So this morning I've had to remind myself that I am good enough.

God is a loving God, He is not a hateful, unjust God, He doesn't take pleasure in removing people we care about, in fact, if someone chooses to walk out of our lives that is their choice, rather than God's.

So, today I am choosing to be joyful, I am loved, I am precious in the sight of the Lord and I do not need my feelings or my emotions to dictate how I live today.

The love of Jesus will define how I live today, and it will define how I live every day. Sometimes I'll forget and sometimes I will fail miserably, but today I will walk in the knowledge that I am a Daughter of the King.

"...And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4 v 7

Abi xx