Honesty

"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren’t there anymore. That I lost that one thing that mattered to me." - Elisabeth Van den Abeele

As a Law student, something I am constantly being trained to do is to question things and then find a solution or an answer to my own questions. Why did he hit her? What was his motive? Does he have a defence? Can she claim compensation? Yes, No, The law says this, if you follow this case...

...when it comes to questioning God I can't find the answers myself. Sometimes I don't listen, sometimes I don't even want an answer. I'm just angry. Angry at life and angry that I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I'm angry at God. I have a lot of 'why' questions that I feel like He deliberately put there, that He didn't do anything to stop me from having to ask 'why?'

"Why did they have to die in pain when You could have just healed them?"

Why did they stop loving me?"

"Why wasn't I good enough?"

"Why did you let them leave?"

Usually, when I know I need to talk to God, I avoid it until I can't anymore. It's too hard to face everything. And then, about 5 days ago, I was lying in bed and it all came out. I was brutally honest with God. I was foaming. I was hurting. And I was telling God exactly how I felt.

Three days ago, I was talking to my cousin and telling her everything, and she made one point that 

surprised me.

Feeling that way is not the same as knowing the truth.

Emotions are very powerful.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go on facebook, and the first thing I saw was a status from someone that used to be a massive part of my life, questioning why they aren't special to someone, or in other words, cared about. This particular person is no longer a part of my life and that was their choice as opposed to mine, and instead of wanting them to be ok, my first thought was that I couldn't have been good enough for them, because if I had been then they wouldn't feel the way that they do now.

I didn't feel good enough.

When my Great-Aunt died of Cancer, almost 6 years ago, I felt a lot of things. Anger at God for not healing her, Sadness because she was gone, grief, pain... and at the time they overrode the truth that she was somewhere better where she didn't have to suffer. By taking her to heaven, God did heal her because he ended her suffering.

So this morning I've had to remind myself that I am good enough.

God is a loving God, He is not a hateful, unjust God, He doesn't take pleasure in removing people we care about, in fact, if someone chooses to walk out of our lives that is their choice, rather than God's.

So, today I am choosing to be joyful, I am loved, I am precious in the sight of the Lord and I do not need my feelings or my emotions to dictate how I live today.

The love of Jesus will define how I live today, and it will define how I live every day. Sometimes I'll forget and sometimes I will fail miserably, but today I will walk in the knowledge that I am a Daughter of the King.

"...And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4 v 7

Abi xx

En Français, Mademoiselle.

Guess who's learning french?

That's right. Me.

I was good at french at school. I enjoyed it. I still remember bits and bats, but I want to speak it fluently. Alongside adoring french food, I adore the language. It's so sophisticated and romantic. I mean, how amazing does the word for cheese sound? Fromage. Froh-ma-je. It makes it sound delicious, whereas cheese is just... cheese. It sounds like the lump that it is.

And so begins the battle of the languages. English vs French.

Quiet poignant, no?

Short and sweet,

Au Revoir!

Abi xx

Temporary tattoos!

I have discovered the joy of temporary tattoos!

So, I thought I would share a tutorial with ya'll!

You will need:

• A towel (Surface protection!)
• Fine markers (Do not use permanent markers or biro. The ink bleeds into your skin.)
• Scrap paper
• Baby wipes/make up wipes/Some form of wet wipes!
• Powder brush
• Talcum powder
• Your favourite perfume/body spray (Hairspray works great too)

Step One

Choose your design! (Or design your own!)

Step Two

Choose the area for your tattoo

Step Three

Clean designated area with wet wipe

Step Four

Draw out your design. I tend to do this free-hand, although tracing paper could be used.

Step Five

Put some talcum powder on scrap paper.

Step Six

Run brush through powder and tap off the excess.

Step Seven

Brush talcum powder over your design until well blended. (Make sure the ink is dry first!)

Step Eight

FROM A DISTANCE spray your design with perfume. Make sure you don't do this too close or it will make the ink bleed. (Today's selected fragrance is Lady Gaga's "Fame." It is divine!)

Step Nine

Once perfume has dried completely, brush more talcum powder over. Make sure it is well blended.

Step Ten

Tattoo is complete! (Although my free-hand has not served me well on this one!)

Previous designs:

"Freedom" (right) on my sister's arm in Chinese and "Love" (Left) on mine. Not sure how accurate the translations were though!

And there you have it! Tattoos last for two to three days and will come off when scrubbed in warm soapy water. I was pleased that water did not wash off the design when washing hands/raining etc! Though it may depend on what ink you use if it stays on well enough. 

DO NOT do this if you have very sensitive skin. The last thing you want is a reaction to inks or perfumes.

If anyone tries this, send me your temporary tattoo pictures!

Happy doodling!

Abi xx

O Captain, My Captain

"Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone." - Robin Williams as John Keating, 'The Dead Poet's Society.'

If there is one film that I could recommend that is completely wonderful, it is 'The Dead Poet's Society.' I saw it for the first time a couple of months ago and loved it. I found it very uplifting. Sure, there are some parts that are saddening, but in the end it is a tale of a bunch of boys who are taught all about breaking out of the cages they've been placed in by society.

It struck a chord with me actually. As someone whose entire life has been 'pre-destined', in the words of my Dad, it feels very refreshing to know that I can make things happen the way that I want them to. Of course, as a Christian, I have to trust in the will of God, and I can honestly say that I want to embrace God's path for my life, but, also honestly, sometimes I just don't feel like it.

At the age of 16, I chose to go to College to study Performing Arts, much to the disgust of some people who thought it was a waste of time, and now that I'm at University studying Law, (completely different career path, I know!), I can look back and say that it was worth it. I would not be the person I am today if I hadn't chosen to go there. I became a stronger person for it. I've gone from being this mouse that wouldn't say boo to a goose, to someone who can stand up for herself, her choices and what she believes in. I'm not a little girl any more, I am a woman, and I can live in confidence. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'll have what I like to call a 'personality relapse', where there are select people who, for some reason, I return to my old 'mousey' character,  I just cannot say "Hey, back off, will ya?". I might be thinking it but I don't always do it. Usually it's someone who I think has a large influence on me or a role to play in my life, such as a person in authority, or as I found at one point, someone I loved, to the point that if they hurt me or did something I hated, I would keep my mouth shut and let it eat away at me inside.

Any of you know that feeling?

It doesn't have to be that way.

The fundamental purpose of my life is to be the best I can be, be as happy as I can possibly be, and to spread that happiness to everyone else. (Did you hear that joke about the butter?)

All that matters?

Love, Happiness, Joy and Laughter.

So suck the marrow out of life, just remember not to choke on the bone!

Abi xx