The last few of days have been, emotionally, difficult for me.
I've felt alone. (Feeling is not the same as knowing, feeling is not the same as knowing, she chants.)
Various different things have triggered this.
1. One of my closest friends from a particular... place in my life, are leaving. They have an amazing opportunity and they are taking it. I am monumentally overjoyed for them, but at the same time I am absolutely (and completely selfishly) gutted.
2. Another one of my closest friends has just got engaged. Monumentally overjoyed, selfishly gutted because it reminds me that I am not even close to reaching that point with a man. (For reasons I will explain in due course.)
3. My only relationship didn't work (it's been well over a year ago since the break up), and no matter how many people say "it wasn't your fault", it doesn't change that I will always feel like it was. (Feeling and knowing...)
4. I don't even have time to fall in love with someone. Which, for someone like me whose sole goal in life is to be a Wife and a Mother, this thought is eternally frustrating.
5. Even if I had the time, I don't feel (that damned word again!) as if anyone will have an interest in me anyway.
Jumping back to my little bracket section of point number 2, and merging with point number 3, I have lived the majority of my life wondering if someone could ever or would ever love me, and the moment it happened was like... I can't even explain it. They loved me? But how? What on earth could have possessed them to want to be with me?
Now, at the time, I was delighted, and (as vain as it sounds) I fully understood why they liked me. I knew what my good points were. Hell, I knew what was happening from day 1 and why it was happening.
And then, after it ended, all my self-esteem and my heart was just annihalated into little shreds that have blown away, somewhere, along with a tiny, chiseled piece of my heart that they took with them. The other pieces are slowly being retrieved and stitched back together, but I can't help but think that I'm not complete without that one piece they took with them.
A week after the break up, friend from point number 1 made an appearance. Friend had actually been in my life, somewhat, for about 7 months, having arrived around the same time the relationship started. Up until the break up, I have absolutely no memory of their existence. I was too busy falling in love with 'them' to notice anyone else of that particular gender. I've always found it odd that I was blinded to them and then suddenly they were just there, when I was at my lowest and just needed someone to take my mind off of the mess I was in. The friendship was ace. Very laid back, very easy going, very fun. Completely wonderful, to be frank. And then the gossiping started. Nobody could be that friendly with each other and there not be something else there. Friend freaks out. Friend backs off. I'm broken. Again. Friend becomes friends again. I'm delighted. Friend turns a new page in life and I'm still stuck in Chapter 1.
But, '...we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.' (Romans 8v28, NKJV)
Things will get better, they have to.
So the relationship didn't work, y'know what, the heartbreak may not have been a part of God's plan, but the healing from it, however gradual, has now become a part of His plan for me. A lady at church (ironically before the relationship) told me quite bluntly that God has a husband for me. He is out there somewhere, either wondering where I am or toddling along blissfully unaware of there even being a Wife in his future. My friends are in amazing places in there lives. Good for them and may the Lord bless them.
As for 'them', I will keep praying for their happiness, not every day because sometimes I forget, but ultimately they deserve love as much as I do. We are both worth more than we believe we are, it's just a learning curve.
Abi xx
