The Struggle

"There is a moment, when you say to yourself, 'Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.'"- Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson, Glee.

Do you ever just meet someone and think 'Where have you been all my life?' 

I have. 

The issue I have is that I've found myself falling. Not in love. At least not yet, I won't let that happen, I'm not ready.

But I have found myself falling in like. 

As a young Christian woman, I am dealing with what I have come to call 'The Struggle.' You see, the man I have found myself falling in like with, is not a Christian. 

Cue the choice to do what I believe is right by God and my family, the incredibly hard decision to say:

"I like you, and though you like me, and though I haven't had a boyfriend in nearly two years and I really, really want you... this can't happen."

This has become the best and yet the most difficult friendship of my life.

I am so proud of myself for standing up for what I believe is right by waiting for a Christian man...

...but why does it have to be so hard?

Things can only go up from here, right?

Abi xx

 

Learn

The last few of days have been, emotionally, difficult for me.

I've felt alone. (Feeling is not the same as knowing, feeling is not the same as knowing, she chants.)

Various different things have triggered this.

1. One of my closest friends from a particular... place in my life, are leaving. They have an amazing opportunity and they are taking it. I am monumentally overjoyed for them, but at the same time I am absolutely (and completely selfishly) gutted.

2. Another one of my closest friends has just got engaged. Monumentally overjoyed, selfishly gutted because it reminds me that I am not even close to reaching that point with a man. (For reasons I will explain in due course.)

3. My only relationship didn't work (it's been well over a year ago since the break up), and no matter how many people say "it wasn't your fault", it doesn't change that I will always feel like it was. (Feeling and knowing...)

4. I don't even have time to fall in love with someone. Which, for someone like me whose sole goal in life is to be a Wife and a Mother, this thought is eternally frustrating.

5. Even if I had the time, I don't feel (that damned word again!) as if anyone will have an interest in me anyway.

Jumping back to my little bracket section of point number 2, and merging with point number 3, I have lived the majority of my life wondering if someone could ever or would ever love me, and the moment it happened was like... I can't even explain it. They loved me? But how? What on earth could have possessed them to want to be with me?
Now, at the time, I was delighted, and (as vain as it sounds) I fully understood why they liked me. I knew what my good points were. Hell, I knew what was happening from day 1 and why it was happening.
And then, after it ended, all my self-esteem and my heart was just annihalated into little shreds that have blown away, somewhere, along with a tiny, chiseled piece of my heart that they took with them. The other pieces are slowly being retrieved and stitched back together, but I can't help but think that I'm not complete without that one piece they took with them.
A week after the break up, friend from point number 1 made an appearance. Friend had actually been in my life, somewhat, for about 7 months, having arrived around the same time the relationship started. Up until the break up, I have absolutely no memory of their existence. I was too busy falling in love with 'them' to notice anyone else of that particular gender. I've always found it odd that I was blinded to them and then suddenly they were just there, when I was at my lowest and just needed someone to take my mind off of the mess I was in. The friendship was ace. Very laid back, very easy going, very fun. Completely wonderful, to be frank. And then the gossiping started. Nobody could be that friendly with each other and there not be something else there. Friend freaks out. Friend backs off. I'm broken. Again. Friend becomes friends again. I'm delighted. Friend turns a new page in life and I'm still stuck in Chapter 1.

But, '...we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.' (Romans 8v28, NKJV)

Things will get better, they have to.

So the relationship didn't work, y'know what, the heartbreak may not have been a part of God's plan, but the healing from it, however gradual, has now become a part of His plan for me. A lady at church (ironically before the relationship) told me quite bluntly that God has a husband for me. He is out there somewhere, either wondering where I am or toddling along blissfully unaware of there even being a Wife in his future. My friends are in amazing places in there lives. Good for them and may the Lord bless them.

As for 'them', I will keep praying for their happiness, not every day because sometimes I forget, but ultimately they deserve love as much as I do. We are both worth more than we believe we are, it's just a learning curve.

Abi xx

Honesty

"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren’t there anymore. That I lost that one thing that mattered to me." - Elisabeth Van den Abeele

As a Law student, something I am constantly being trained to do is to question things and then find a solution or an answer to my own questions. Why did he hit her? What was his motive? Does he have a defence? Can she claim compensation? Yes, No, The law says this, if you follow this case...

...when it comes to questioning God I can't find the answers myself. Sometimes I don't listen, sometimes I don't even want an answer. I'm just angry. Angry at life and angry that I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I'm angry at God. I have a lot of 'why' questions that I feel like He deliberately put there, that He didn't do anything to stop me from having to ask 'why?'

"Why did they have to die in pain when You could have just healed them?"

Why did they stop loving me?"

"Why wasn't I good enough?"

"Why did you let them leave?"

Usually, when I know I need to talk to God, I avoid it until I can't anymore. It's too hard to face everything. And then, about 5 days ago, I was lying in bed and it all came out. I was brutally honest with God. I was foaming. I was hurting. And I was telling God exactly how I felt.

Three days ago, I was talking to my cousin and telling her everything, and she made one point that 

surprised me.

Feeling that way is not the same as knowing the truth.

Emotions are very powerful.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go on facebook, and the first thing I saw was a status from someone that used to be a massive part of my life, questioning why they aren't special to someone, or in other words, cared about. This particular person is no longer a part of my life and that was their choice as opposed to mine, and instead of wanting them to be ok, my first thought was that I couldn't have been good enough for them, because if I had been then they wouldn't feel the way that they do now.

I didn't feel good enough.

When my Great-Aunt died of Cancer, almost 6 years ago, I felt a lot of things. Anger at God for not healing her, Sadness because she was gone, grief, pain... and at the time they overrode the truth that she was somewhere better where she didn't have to suffer. By taking her to heaven, God did heal her because he ended her suffering.

So this morning I've had to remind myself that I am good enough.

God is a loving God, He is not a hateful, unjust God, He doesn't take pleasure in removing people we care about, in fact, if someone chooses to walk out of our lives that is their choice, rather than God's.

So, today I am choosing to be joyful, I am loved, I am precious in the sight of the Lord and I do not need my feelings or my emotions to dictate how I live today.

The love of Jesus will define how I live today, and it will define how I live every day. Sometimes I'll forget and sometimes I will fail miserably, but today I will walk in the knowledge that I am a Daughter of the King.

"...And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4 v 7

Abi xx

En Français, Mademoiselle.

Guess who's learning french?

That's right. Me.

I was good at french at school. I enjoyed it. I still remember bits and bats, but I want to speak it fluently. Alongside adoring french food, I adore the language. It's so sophisticated and romantic. I mean, how amazing does the word for cheese sound? Fromage. Froh-ma-je. It makes it sound delicious, whereas cheese is just... cheese. It sounds like the lump that it is.

And so begins the battle of the languages. English vs French.

Quiet poignant, no?

Short and sweet,

Au Revoir!

Abi xx

Temporary tattoos!

I have discovered the joy of temporary tattoos!

So, I thought I would share a tutorial with ya'll!

You will need:

• A towel (Surface protection!)
• Fine markers (Do not use permanent markers or biro. The ink bleeds into your skin.)
• Scrap paper
• Baby wipes/make up wipes/Some form of wet wipes!
• Powder brush
• Talcum powder
• Your favourite perfume/body spray (Hairspray works great too)

Step One

Choose your design! (Or design your own!)

Step Two

Choose the area for your tattoo

Step Three

Clean designated area with wet wipe

Step Four

Draw out your design. I tend to do this free-hand, although tracing paper could be used.

Step Five

Put some talcum powder on scrap paper.

Step Six

Run brush through powder and tap off the excess.

Step Seven

Brush talcum powder over your design until well blended. (Make sure the ink is dry first!)

Step Eight

FROM A DISTANCE spray your design with perfume. Make sure you don't do this too close or it will make the ink bleed. (Today's selected fragrance is Lady Gaga's "Fame." It is divine!)

Step Nine

Once perfume has dried completely, brush more talcum powder over. Make sure it is well blended.

Step Ten

Tattoo is complete! (Although my free-hand has not served me well on this one!)

Previous designs:

"Freedom" (right) on my sister's arm in Chinese and "Love" (Left) on mine. Not sure how accurate the translations were though!

And there you have it! Tattoos last for two to three days and will come off when scrubbed in warm soapy water. I was pleased that water did not wash off the design when washing hands/raining etc! Though it may depend on what ink you use if it stays on well enough. 

DO NOT do this if you have very sensitive skin. The last thing you want is a reaction to inks or perfumes.

If anyone tries this, send me your temporary tattoo pictures!

Happy doodling!

Abi xx

O Captain, My Captain

"Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone." - Robin Williams as John Keating, 'The Dead Poet's Society.'

If there is one film that I could recommend that is completely wonderful, it is 'The Dead Poet's Society.' I saw it for the first time a couple of months ago and loved it. I found it very uplifting. Sure, there are some parts that are saddening, but in the end it is a tale of a bunch of boys who are taught all about breaking out of the cages they've been placed in by society.

It struck a chord with me actually. As someone whose entire life has been 'pre-destined', in the words of my Dad, it feels very refreshing to know that I can make things happen the way that I want them to. Of course, as a Christian, I have to trust in the will of God, and I can honestly say that I want to embrace God's path for my life, but, also honestly, sometimes I just don't feel like it.

At the age of 16, I chose to go to College to study Performing Arts, much to the disgust of some people who thought it was a waste of time, and now that I'm at University studying Law, (completely different career path, I know!), I can look back and say that it was worth it. I would not be the person I am today if I hadn't chosen to go there. I became a stronger person for it. I've gone from being this mouse that wouldn't say boo to a goose, to someone who can stand up for herself, her choices and what she believes in. I'm not a little girl any more, I am a woman, and I can live in confidence. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'll have what I like to call a 'personality relapse', where there are select people who, for some reason, I return to my old 'mousey' character,  I just cannot say "Hey, back off, will ya?". I might be thinking it but I don't always do it. Usually it's someone who I think has a large influence on me or a role to play in my life, such as a person in authority, or as I found at one point, someone I loved, to the point that if they hurt me or did something I hated, I would keep my mouth shut and let it eat away at me inside.

Any of you know that feeling?

It doesn't have to be that way.

The fundamental purpose of my life is to be the best I can be, be as happy as I can possibly be, and to spread that happiness to everyone else. (Did you hear that joke about the butter?)

All that matters?

Love, Happiness, Joy and Laughter.

So suck the marrow out of life, just remember not to choke on the bone!

Abi xx